As I'm

struggling for inspiration for a post, and short on time, I'm going to be lazy and post something I received on email. These are letters sent in to Viz magazine, designed to be funny, and a lot of them do hit their mark: To the zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's ar*e: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation. Joe McKeown Radio 2's Steve Wright only reads out letters from people who say how much they love him and his show. I know this because me and my mates write to him regularly to tell him we think he's a c*nt and he never reads our letters out. Mark Edwards, Leek 'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30..... Colum Hill I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan. Lo Chi Chang, Taipei On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'c*nt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatmentwhilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds Why is it that Channel 4's Big Brother are allowed to install loads of cameras in a house and watch the residents' every move. But when I put onetiny camera in my neighbour's bathroom I get bound over for 12 months. There's no justice. Simon Eldritch I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks. Stan Herschel I was watching those insurance adverts on the telly where Michael Winner plays the parts of both himself and his wife. It suddenly struck me that, after years of wishing he would, he could now actually go and f*ck himself. Mike Oxlong I've just bought Paula Radcliffe's new autobiography. I read two thirds but I couldn't be ar*ed to finish it. Matt Spracklen, Wales Ronseal 5 Year Woodstain does exactly what it says on the tin, does it? Funny that. I've looked all over the label and nowhere does it say 'Makes your front door look like an African elephant has wiped its ar*e on it.' Steve Edwards, Welshpool I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them thatmy house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys? DF Kant Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees. Hugie Dixon, West Drayton I'm fed up with finding my e-mail inbox stuffed full of adverts for p*nis enlarging pills. In the interests of sexual equality, isn't it about time that they started bombarding women's computers with adverts for f*nny tightening tablets? Neil, Scot