The Big Sleep

Not strictly work related, but it sure as hell is going to affect my work today! In my experience there are distinctly different types of people when it comes to sleeping. There are those who only have to look at a pillow and they fall swiftly into the land of nod, sleep like a baby and awake totally refreshed. On the other end of the scale are insomniacs, who I really feel for, it must be a terrible affliction. Inbetween these extremes is a sliding scale of ease of falling asleep and quality sleep achieved. I fall into the category of falling asleep fairly easily, but once waken find it nigh on impossible to return to sleep. Fortunately for her, my wife finds it all too easy to sleep. Before now she has even fallen asleep standing up, in a busy pub at last orders. Upon her deciding it's time for sleep it is like watching an animal being tranquilised;normal behaviour suddenly gives way to a slumbering beast, and I use the adjective deliberately! Which brings me to the events of last night, which started like any other, but ended in a sleepless state pour moi. At approximately 2.30am I was awoken by a sharp elbow applied liberally to my ribs. Upon rousing myself my wife informed that she could hear something downstairs, it could be a burglar! Now, we live in the suburbs of a large city, and crime is not unknown, but our house is permanently on Amber Alert status. This due primarily to my wife having suffered a burglary as a child and therefore possessing a heightened awareness of the issues involved. In fact she could be used by Crime Prevention initiatives as an ambassador, such is her zeal for security issues. I'm not suggesting that we sleep in a hermetically sealed panic room, but we have all the requisite mortice locks, window locks, functioning alarm, motion detecting spotlights etc. etc. I rejected the request for razor wire over the fence. So at my wife's behest I am sent to discover the source of the nocturnal noise by carrying out a security sweep of the area. I sleep naked, partly for comfort, partly from habit but mainly in the hope that it may cause carnal desires to emenate from my wife. I should know by now of course that the mere sight of my body is not going to cause such an effect, but that is irrelevant to the situation. By now I have come round somewhat, and the reality of my situation starts to sink in: I am creeping naked downstairs to confront some potential homicidal maniac. All the stories I have been told in the past come flooding back in technicolour clarity. That bloke at work who told me that he never woke up, but found a huge carving knife on his stairs in the morning following a burglary. The police told him they'd put it there to stab him if he'd gone down stairs - nice. So I resolve to shout out a warning to any would be assassin, I don't want to end up like Tony Martin, not that I have a shotgun, but I've seen the Vulcan Death Grip performed, and I'm not afraid to try it. My warning cry is intended to make any burglar flee, but only serves to convince my wife that there really is someone in the house - cue minor hysterics. The lack of response from downstairs convinces me that no-one is there, and I am also fairly confident that the sight of me naked would confuse a burglar, giving me enough time to take manly decisive action, whatever that may be. I stride purposefully around the house and ascertain that there has been no breach of the perimeter defences and nothing has been disturbed. I return to the bedroom, allay my wife's fears and turn the light back off. Within seconds, literally seconds, I can hear her gentle snores begin. This from a woman who had visions of rape, pillage and murder minutes before. The stark reality hits me - there is no way I'm getting back to sleep, I look at the glowing numbers on my bedside clock - 2.41am - I groan inwardly. This reminds me of the time my wife woke me at some ungodly hour to demand "Well!?" It transpired that she had been dreaming about asking me a question, and woke me up to ask it, promptly forgetting what the question was. Again she was asleep in minutes leaving me to watch the numbers change on the clock. Today is going to be a long day.....